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As far as I am concerned, this mess can be cleared up with the simple phrase, Who gives a shit? For the life of me, I cannot understand why the thought of two people of the same sex being married is so worrisome to such a wide swath of people. The first thing that comes to mind, given the state of things in general is how so many people have nothing better to concern themselves with. Of course that would be forgetting the wider implications of the state of things in general, which is that modern America has clearly become no place for common sense, and if there is one thing Americans like to do it is to meddle in other people's business. The idea that a third party - in opposition to the Supreme Court's ruling - can have a say in how two people conduct their private lives is ludicrous.
Perhaps realizing that they are toeing the hate monger line, there seems to be an increasing amount of intolerance couched in falsely supportive, post-Will & Grace claims. My personal favorite is the oft repeated, "I'm for gays, I'm just against gay marriage." What the fuck does that mean? Would anyone ever be taken seriously, not to mention absolutely skewered, for saying, "Oh, I really like black people, so long as they drink out of their own water fountains"?
The other night, in an attempt to circumnavigate the garbage of prime time television, I took a stroll through HBO on Demand. For obvious reasons I skipped White Men Can't Jump and the entire second season of Sex And The City in favor of the "Late Night" section. Cathouse, a show about a legal brothel in Nevada, was a no-brainer. After a comical bit about a nineteen year-old who had apparently saved all of the money he had earned from his paper route in order to finance the losing of his virginity (and who looked absolutely terrified at the prospect once the prostitute descended on him like a wolf who has cornered a defenseless lamb), the show arrived at a segment that gave me pause. Hidden cameras in one of the brothel's rooms showed a couple on a bed, accompanied by one of the "working girls." It was then explained that the couple was there to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Forgoing a romantic dinner, these people instead celebrated their commitment and fidelity to each other in the bonds of holy matrimony by visiting a whorehouse. I'm sure this is what the pastor, preacher, whathaveyou had in mind while he was putting into beautiful words the special pact that these two had entered into as the all important "man and woman" that so many conservatives site. According to bigots, gay marriage would erode family values and pose a threat to the existing institution of traditional marriage. I didn't see any leather-chapped, ball-gagged homos egging on the beautifully mulleted husband while he was whispering such sweet nothings to the prostitute as, "I want you to fuck my wife with a strap on while I fuck you in the ass." At least there weren't two men kissing. That would be totally gross.
The best evidence I can give that the institution of marriage should not be placed on a pedestal and that those who argue otherwise are only using it as a way to shield their increasingly frowned-upon homophobia is this: Last year, for the low cost of fifty bucks, I was fully licensed by the County of San Diego to marry my two friends. And this was not some sham wedding between two kooks in the shallow end of a wave pool at a water park. This was a beautiful wedding, with two hundred guests, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. And once everyone was seated, I was given free-reign to ramble on about love and commitment. Even more outrageous is that at the end of the night, when I had to close one eye in order to see straight, I made the marriage official, and legal, by singing the marriage certificate. Which I did while holding a Jack and Coke. Seriously, that's what the crucifix junkies hold so dear?
The fact that divorce rates hover around 40% should be enough to negate the wishful thinking in the statement, "Marriage is a sacred bond." In fact, because of this high rate, "until death do us part" is right up there with some of the best punch lines of today. And with the proliferation of Justices of the Peace, shotgun Vegas weddings, and dipshit friend secular options, marriage has long since ceased to be a strictly religious institution. Instead, marriage in the 21st Century is the way a couple (of any sex) can express their commitment to each other and gain the legal rights that such a commitment entails. So everyone who thinks that gay marriage will corrupt the family or lead to the moral decay of America, just quit it, there are better things to worry about and more tangible reasons why your fourteen year-old daughter dresses like the cast of Cathouse and your husband can't seem to stop jerking off to internet porn. And besides, fifty years from now, we will look back on this preposterous and thinly-veiled sexual bigotry as a period of inconceivable ignorance. For recent examples of such illuminating hindsight, one need look no further than Civil Rights pre-1960 and the fact that American women were not allowed to vote before 1920.
The world is on the verge of collapse. Virtually all of the nations driving the global economy are looking at a recession. The United States is mired in two unwinable wars. Nuclear proliferation is still an issue. Species extinction rates continue to speed up. Grandpa Simpson somehow still stands a chance of being elected President next month. There has never been a better time for people to open their hearts and embrace the notion that it is okay for two people of the same sex to try to make it together through these tough times in wedded bliss. SEE ALSO: www.voterguide.sos.ca.gov/title-sum/prop8-title-sum.htm
SEE ALSO: www.noonprop8.com
An aspiring global adventurer who cut his teeth on the sandy beaches and dirty bitches of Southern California, Kevin Alfoldy now spends his non-vacation days in Brooklyn, New York, where he occasionally finds the time to rub the crust out of his eyes long enough to contribute reviews and feature articles for LAS. A longtime staff member, Kevin also captains the tattered, often half-sunk raft of EPmd, our irregular column of EP reviews.
See other articles by Kevin Alfoldy.
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