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 » Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King's new novella questions mankind's ability to trust others.
[02.21.2011 by Bridget Doyle]

MUSIC

 » The Top 30 Albums of 2010 - Fashionably, fabulously late, our favorite music (and believe me, there was a LOT) of 2010, the year that some have called the best year for music ever. And only some of those fools work here. Plenty of usual suspects, lots of ties and a few surprises that I won't spoil, including our unexpected #1.
[12.24.2010 by The LAS Staff]

MUSIC

 » Live: Surfer Blood/The Drums at Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL - Remember when Weezer used to put together records that you could sing along to and rock out to? That's what Surfer Blood's show was like!
[11.04.2010 by Cory Tendering]

Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
»Screaming Females
Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
»Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
»Deerhunter
Halcyon Digest
4AD
No Age - Everything in Between
»No Age
Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
»Robyn
Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Konichiwa
The Walkmen - Lisbon
»The Walkmen
Lisbon
Fat Possum
LOSTATSEA.NET > FEATURES >

February 11, 2001
FIRST EDITION: A SORT OF EXEGESIS IN LIST FORM ON THE FACT THAT THIS COLUMN FROM THIS POINT ON WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THINGS BOUGHT AND SOLD, NOR MAYORS.**

1. I wish to introduce myself.

2. Hi. My name is Todd.

3. I grew up in the erstwhile wilds of a town named ROCK HILL, in SC, far away from where I now reside.

4. Where I now reside, the biggest thing young, 20something left-wingers have to protest is a television show in which a camera follows around a number of rather swarthy-looking folks as they attempt to live lives that (though they may protest vehemently against this point) are not really their own…and for money.

5. These protests are organized by resident artists for dubious, if not ludicrous, reasons.

6. As stated, I do not live very far from where many of these resident artists reside. Likewise, you can place bets to the affirmative that, whichever last-night we wish to be talking about, I was drunk.

7. I am not really A Drunk so much as I am just Drunk.

8. I say this very often and to very many people.

9. This column shall be about this sad fact and likewise about many other things. Though to ease your circumspection (or your perturbation at this point in the list) I would also like to say that there will be two, if not three, others whose writing will be appearing in various forms within this column (again I cannot stress enough how the topics discussed and/or written about, by myself or by these others, need not involve Retail or any sort of Mayor, yet they may).

10. The first of these others is Ms. Penelope Memoli. Penelope?

11. 'Hello. I am Penny.'

12. Thank you, Penelope.

13. The second definite of these others is Mr. Joe Jarvis. I would like Joe to address the audience?

14. 'Hello. I'm Joe. I like you. And although I am an Ohioan, please don't think I have some twisted fondness for William Tecumseh Sherman, because it simply isn't true.'

15. Thank you.

16. I would like to announce that we are neither as automated nor as astounded by ourselves as we may seem to be, at present.

17. Our desires are like yours.

18. And we actually desire these desires, again like you.

19. Further, none of us (as far as I know) has ever cuddled with any kind of live specimen of water-fowl for any extended period of time.

20. Likewise, none of us has ever declared that fact. So this is yet another first, here.

21. We have called ourselves, variously: WRITER, COMMERCIAL SCREENER, EDITOR, COOK, WAITER, INTERN, STUDENT, SOUTHERNER, ADDICT, APPALACHIANOID, AMERICAN, EURO-TRASH-HEAP, YANKEE, CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE, PHONE DRONE, TEMP WORKER, PROOFREADER, HEDONIST, POSTMODERNIST, JANITOR, CLASSICIST, BARTENDER, COMPUTER ROOM MONITOR, PHILOSOPHER, and last, but certainly not least, the newly celebrated designation of STUPIDIST, the meaning of which I will spare you the necessity of sharing with us, at present….

21. None of us has ever been sold to Mayor R.M. Daley, of CHICAGO, in IL, nor would we particularly wish to be sold to Mayor R.M. Daley, of CHICAGO, in IL.

22. I would like to thank you, for reading this. Until next time...

**clarified by Penelope Memoli and Joe Jarvis.

--
Todd Dills
THE2NDHAND publishes short fiction and nonfiction. Todd Dills edits the broadsheet and recently relocated to Birmingham, Alabama, after eight years of publishing from Chicago.

See other articles by Todd Dills.

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