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LITERATURE

 » Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King's new novella questions mankind's ability to trust others.
[02.21.2011 by Bridget Doyle]

MUSIC

 » The Top 30 Albums of 2010 - Fashionably, fabulously late, our favorite music (and believe me, there was a LOT) of 2010, the year that some have called the best year for music ever. And only some of those fools work here. Plenty of usual suspects, lots of ties and a few surprises that I won't spoil, including our unexpected #1.
[12.24.2010 by The LAS Staff]

MUSIC

 » Live: Surfer Blood/The Drums at Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL - Remember when Weezer used to put together records that you could sing along to and rock out to? That's what Surfer Blood's show was like!
[11.04.2010 by Cory Tendering]

Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
»Screaming Females
Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
»Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
»Deerhunter
Halcyon Digest
4AD
No Age - Everything in Between
»No Age
Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
»Robyn
Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Konichiwa
The Walkmen - Lisbon
»The Walkmen
Lisbon
Fat Possum
LOSTATSEA.NET > FEATURES >

May 1, 2002
FOURTEENTH EDITION: 10 SONGS AND 10 STORIES

10. "Slap Me with Your Creamy Butter (Bitch)"-- Yahtzee Killas

9. "(I'm Not Your) St. Bernard"-- Rubber Gone Bouncy Bounce

8. "That Little Drummer Girl (Has a Big Ol' American Ass)"-- Hogtied Truckstop Whiskey-Drenched Dickweeds

7. "(art) (school) (damage)"-- Madame Bovary's post-emotive heart

6. "Love You and Your Ways (The 'I Got a Notion It's a Notion on the Spell You Put on Me Can't You See' Song)"-- Alter Ego

5. "(I Fucked) Rosalyn Carter's Runny Cunny"-- The Shitstainz (Killed by Death #83)

4. "I Am Aspiring to Greatness (Retard Billy's Theme)"-- Kenny Loggins

3. "Yeah! All right! (Wow!)"-- Smoking Corvairs (Best of 60's Garage, Vol. 7)

2. "Larry (It's Almost Christmas Time Again)"-- Sallé

And the Number 1 Song: "Teenage Dip Ding Dong Fam-a-Lam (My Baby Loves Me For My)"- The Dapper Chapeaus

---

10. Asha with the big brown hair, cutoff jeans, and white tank top Vuarnet t-shirt, she was ridin' bitch in the white lowrider truck as we boomed down Wekiva Springs Road. She had just made Tommy a sticker running the length of the back window: a yellow-lettered caption reading, "U CAN'T TOUCH THIS," bookended by two Bart Simpsons giving the ol "thumbs up." We were en route to Bishop's house, Asha's ex, who would be pissed off because he was supposed to have gotten that sticker for his truck, but that was two weeks and five boyfriends ago. I liked watching the automatic windows rise in the minivans next to us as the Moms in their frizzy Mom perms made desperate attempts at soundproofing NWA as the BOOM...BOOM BOOM...BOOM of Tommy's bass shot out of the sub-woofers like cannonfire.

9. Remember making out in suburban bedrooms from the $500's under oppressive Morrissey posters as your girlfriend plays bad Euro synth pop? Remember androgynous Danish dudes wailing in their best pidgin English: "I buy you drinks/you buy me nothing but heartbreak/the ship it sinks/and i go down like an earthquake/to the top of the hill/I run to your ski slope/uncork my barrel and swill/use me like a big dope." (Maybe later you'll hold hands on the living room couch and watch her old tapings of "120 Minutes.")

8. I always hated these types of bands, these college knowledge brats who think that the infinitive "to rock" comes from some external source, like black cowboy hats, facial hair, tattoos, Jack Daniels, leather, etc. It's all so phony and boring, it almost makes me want to listen to Joan of Arc, almost.

7. 97-99: The dark years of this town, when it seemed that this kind of garbage was the only thing going down down down. Limpid arpeggiated noodling in front of an annoyingly syncopated backbeat meandering around and around...everything so neat and tidy it was kinda gross, like your Grandmother's orange and yellow Mondrian kitchen wallpaper circa 1981.

6. My bus driver in 7th grade was okay with us kids because she played Y-106 on her radio. It was the Top 40 station. I sat across from Anne Hudzik, the Madonna wannabe of her school. Our stops were the same, towards the end of the Wekiva Cove run, so I remember she'd stretch out and plop pastel blue jelly sandals on her forest green seat, manicured fingernails playing with her necklaces as her crucifix earrings bounced as we went over the yellow speedbumps, mouthing along in purple lipstick, "you're an obsession/you're my obsession/what do you want me to do to make me sleep with you?" She had a constant stream of boyfriends, but not me. "Just friends." Aw, "the story of my life..."

5. En route to band practice in Erickson's aging Ford Tempo and this is what's always on: some snotty third cousin of John Lydon's rolling his Rrrrrs in a distinct Midwestern dialect about something shocking from a long time ago. The music's not bad, kinda quaint, better than most of what's out now. Classic punk rock that really classic punk rocks. There's always some element to the music that's original and endearing, and it's amazing how well-documented the last 50 years of Western Civilization have been when you think about it in relation to the previous 50 centuries. Dude.

4. If you wanted to make me laugh back in Catholic School Peoria, alls you had to do was go up to me and say, "Hey Rollie: 'Loooook at meeeee! I'm reeeetahhhd Billleeeee!'" and make palsy motions with your arms. Comedy gold, I tell ya'. My good friend Todd Campisi came up with the name "Kenny Loggins" as a euphemism for poops in the crapper. I think that movie with Retard Billy was on HBO every afternoon for about six years back in the day. Perhaps it still is.

3. The Smoking Corvairs, from El Paso, Texas, released this one 45 on the Lariat label back in 1965. It sounds a lot like "All Day and All of the Night," and "I Can't Explain." The lead singer screams his affirmations very well. The drummer wants to sound like Keith Moon, but he's limited by his limited ability. Maybe you'll like this and you'll be inspired to start your own 60's garage band. Don't do it, man. For God's sake: Don't do it.

2. My "lesbian until graduation" friends tell me this is the hit song with the drag queens over at Southern Nights, the semi-legendary Orlando gay bar. This is the song all the overweight black men sing in their purple prom dresses and platinum blonde wigs. It never fails to bring down the gay house...not a dry gay eye in the place.

1. I love the Dapper Chapeaus so much. Their criminal neglect from radio programmers is yet another symptom of the overall cruddiness of American radio. Doo-wop never fails to lift my spirits. Sometimes, late at night, my Canadian girlfriend and I slow dance to their music, barefoot in the kitchen under romantic track lighting.

--
Rollie St. Bacon
A renown rock critic, Rollie St. Bacon has contributed to LAS in the past. But no longer. He may not even be real.

See other articles by Rollie St. Bacon.

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