» LATEST FEATURES

LITERATURE

 » Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King's new novella questions mankind's ability to trust others.
[02.21.2011 by Bridget Doyle]

MUSIC

 » The Top 30 Albums of 2010 - Fashionably, fabulously late, our favorite music (and believe me, there was a LOT) of 2010, the year that some have called the best year for music ever. And only some of those fools work here. Plenty of usual suspects, lots of ties and a few surprises that I won't spoil, including our unexpected #1.
[12.24.2010 by The LAS Staff]

MUSIC

 » Live: Surfer Blood/The Drums at Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL - Remember when Weezer used to put together records that you could sing along to and rock out to? That's what Surfer Blood's show was like!
[11.04.2010 by Cory Tendering]

Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
»Screaming Females
Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
»Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
»Deerhunter
Halcyon Digest
4AD
No Age - Everything in Between
»No Age
Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
»Robyn
Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Konichiwa
The Walkmen - Lisbon
»The Walkmen
Lisbon
Fat Possum
LOSTATSEA.NET > FEATURES >

July 21, 2000
Welcome to the search column, where I await checks to afford some vitamins for my left knee. I don't need that problem, but as things are ablaze here in California, there is not much time to smire through fast food daily sicknesses. I just came home from the first screening of the Jackass "movie". I guess it gives punk a new name, quite. Having just placed a non-answered call to a babe named Mia, I feel frightened as to how the next installments shall proceed; hopefully not like the rest. Maybe they should not proceed at all. Maybe this will be the end of my female intimacy search documentation.

Now, in the ever-heightening balm of California spring/summer, I am picturing myself in Illinois. If you are still reading, allow me to relate some details of last Saturday, when a bachelor party was scheduled. Two friends were off to Drew Barrymore's birthday party. Although I have maintained an arc on Drew's periphery, I know two of her friends, but ended up with the guys. I don't know why, exactly, but you know me, and there wasn't much joy for awhile - constipation and a lack of couch dances. We, the guys of the bachelor party, proceeded to Goldfinger's club. Ted Newsome, the art director for Stance, got kicked out for two in a row, that's how he likes to leave bars. I planned to meet someone that night. Things got better as the person I expected showed up and, after feigning being frightened at the company I was keeping, sat down. I immediately felt up her knee, which feelt good. She told someone that I was nice. Anyway, soon she was on top of me, and setting her head on my shoulder. I do know how to predict the future, I do it all day, sometimes. Et cetera ensued. Kissing, sweet success. May I hope with all appropriateness that everyone here at the website is thankful the stronghold of celibacy is long over. She's definitely the coziest of sorts I've ever come across, and I know for a fact that she wouldn't ruin my life. Shit, I am such a fuck up, but it seems there's progression. My new psychiatrist kicked my ass today. Tomorrow I will write something great that makes fun of people who don't understand literature. May the breath mints once again be purchased. Mia is hot. Stay tuned for the biggest heartbreak in history.

Yours truly,
Goodbye.

Steven Sleave, M.D.

--
Tom Schmidt
No one really knows anything at all about Tom Schmidt.

See other articles by Tom Schmidt.

» MEDIA DOWNLOADS

» GOT STICKERS?

If you'd like to help spread the word about LAS, or simply want to outfit yourself with some adhesive coolness, our 4" circle LAS stickers are sure to hit the spot, and here is how to get them:

--> Send an with $2 in PayPal funds to cover postage. Don't worry, we'll load you up with enough to cover your town. Then just be patient. They will arrive soon.

» WORLDWIDE DOMINATION

LAS has staff and freelance writers spread across North and South America, Europe, and a few in Southeast Asia as well. As such, we have no central mailing adress for unsolicited promotional material. If you are interested in having your project considered for coverage, please contact us before sending any promotional materials - save yourself time and postage!