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Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
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Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
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The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
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Halcyon Digest
4AD
No Age - Everything in Between
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Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
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Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Konichiwa
The Walkmen - Lisbon
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Lisbon
Fat Possum
LOSTATSEA.NET > FEATURES >

August 15, 2007
RATING: 666/10
I would like to hereby acknowledge Extreme Productions for making pornography that I was not able to masturbate to, something that I thought would never happen. Not that I even need porn now that I can just stare at my new iPhone while I jerk off, moistening over the sleek design and marveling at the amazing functionality of it. No, technology has freed me from the bonds of pornography, but it still would have been nice to have not been traumatized by a viewing of The Witches Sabbath.

As with every porno, I started out by fast-forwarding through the exposition to get to the good stuff, only to realize that the good stuff had apparently been left out. Just like any one of the more vanilla adult videos one can rent with a reasonably valid-looking I.D., The Witches Sabbath has the requisite filler between sex scenes, only the filler is from a slightly ghastly spectrum. Between scenes of the nasty I had to shield my eyes in order to avoid the film's unpleasantries, and wound up keeping them shielded for the duration of the "movie."

The Witches Sabbath has a little something for everyone; beat chicks, bad production values, and disturbing images all compete to lose one's interest. Quite frankly, I've been more turned on by a porno featuring Screech from Saved By the Bell than I was by any part of The Witches Sabbath, which has no explainable "plot"- the only thing those still curious should know is that, at one point, some poor girl is on the business end of a serious gang rim-job. But enough of my brain's moralizing, let's hear from the personality that this really affects. He's made an appearance on lostatsea before. Ladies and gentleman, I give you my penis:

---
Kevin's Penis: Thank you for the introduction Kevin. First of all, fuck Steve Jobs. Secondly, fuck anything and anyone involved with the making of The Witches Sabbath. I've seen hotter chicks waiting in line at the Ruby Tuesday buffet and scarier costumes have been made by a second-grade class for Halloween. I've been subjected to some fucked up things at the behest of Kevin, but having to cower like a whipped puppy while Paris Gables cavorted around has to be one of the worst things ever. And that's coming from someone who has felt the wrath of a set of beer-goggles with lenses three inches thick.

Look, I'm used to being abused. I can take it. I just feel bad for the poor teenager that gets his hands on this and has to a) deal with the complete and utter shame and horror of his mother when she finds it while looking for something under his bed and/or b) is so eager to view the wonders of the female form at an early age that he soldiers on, masturbating furiously and indiscriminately to this travesty, only to be scarred for life when he later realizes that he can no longer get off without a ritual blood letting and completely freaks out every girl he brings home by requesting that they defile themselves with the bible while he fucks them on a pentagram made of goat intestines and bird beaks inside a ring of candles.

Besides, if I wanted to watch someone put on horns, wear cloven feet, and prance around, I'd watch this guy's movie.

---

What can I say? He's got an attitude like he's attached to Brad Pitt rather than some guy who passes out with a forty in his hands and his pants around his ankles while "Stuck Girls" blares in the background.

After realizing that The Witches Sabbath had played through to the end, I immediately ejected the DVD and threw it in the garbage. I have no idea who this is marketed to, but if the demographics exist to warrant such a production then maybe we are all fucked and should invest in a few more jail cells. Too silly to be considered any kind of serious expose on the Satanist "lifestyle" and too stupid to be anything else, this video exists solely for the teenager sitting in his room wearing an Analcunt shirt, all out of ideas about how to piss off his parents. And if the film's "director" or creative team even thinks about pulling the art card they can go fuck themselves. In the age of the Internet and Lindsey Lohan, to borrow a phrase from Jane's Addiction, nothing's shocking. The Witches Sabbath doesn't break any boundaries, it's just graphically lame.

SEE ALSO: www.clubsatan.com
SEE ALSO: www.carstuckgirls.com
SEE ALSO: www.cremaster.net

--
Kevin Alfoldy
An aspiring global adventurer who cut his teeth on the sandy beaches and dirty bitches of Southern California, Kevin Alfoldy now spends his non-vacation days in Brooklyn, New York, where he occasionally finds the time to rub the crust out of his eyes long enough to contribute reviews and feature articles for LAS. A longtime staff member, Kevin also captains the tattered, often half-sunk raft of EPmd, our irregular column of EP reviews.

See other articles by Kevin Alfoldy.

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