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LITERATURE

 » Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King's new novella questions mankind's ability to trust others.
[02.21.2011 by Bridget Doyle]

MUSIC

 » The Top 30 Albums of 2010 - Fashionably, fabulously late, our favorite music (and believe me, there was a LOT) of 2010, the year that some have called the best year for music ever. And only some of those fools work here. Plenty of usual suspects, lots of ties and a few surprises that I won't spoil, including our unexpected #1.
[12.24.2010 by The LAS Staff]

MUSIC

 » Live: Surfer Blood/The Drums at Lincoln Hall, Chicago, IL - Remember when Weezer used to put together records that you could sing along to and rock out to? That's what Surfer Blood's show was like!
[11.04.2010 by Cory Tendering]

Music Reviews

Screaming Females - Castle Talk
»Screaming Females
Castle Talk
Don Giovanni
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
»Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross
The Social Network [Original Soundtrack]
The Null Corporation
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
»Deerhunter
Halcyon Digest
4AD
No Age - Everything in Between
»No Age
Everything in Between
Sub Pop
Robyn - Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
»Robyn
Body Talk Pt. 1/ Body Talk Pt. 2
Konichiwa
The Walkmen - Lisbon
»The Walkmen
Lisbon
Fat Possum
LOSTATSEA.NET > FEATURES >

October 25, 2004
Issue #4: Even Roosevelt Could Stand by Himself.

The Presidential election is just eight days away, and the question on most Americans' minds is, "Who's going to win The Apprentice?" While 90% of the country wonders who, out of the jerks, will get to kiss Donald Trump's ass, the remaining 10% - what I like to call 'the thinking percent' - wonders, "Who will do a better job handling both the war in Iraq and the Presidency: Bush or Kerry?" I have no idea who Donald Trump will chose to run one of his sham companies - my money is on Kelly, a guy - but I can tell you absolutely that Kerry will do a better job as our President. Flatly put, Bush is a wimp and there's no way a wimp like Bush can finish out this war or continue being President.

Unlike Republicans who accuse John Kerry of flip-flopping and lying about his service record, I offer real evidence regarding Bush's wimposity. Let's set the Way-Back Machine to the late 60's. The Vietnam War rages, underprivileged young men head off to die, and a young George W. Bush practically wets his pants with fear - let's not kid ourselves, he did wet his pants - at the prospect of being shot by a non-white person. Crying, he runs straight to daddy, George Bush Senior, who immediately dries his frightened child's eyes with a pre-approved application to the Texas Air National Guard, where Bush spent the next five years presumably protecting America from a daring Vietcong sneak attack through the Gulf of Mexico.

I'm not going to get into whether Bush skipped out on his service - he did - or whether Kerry lied to get his medals - he didn't. The one fact I know for sure: Kerry was in the shit, Bush wasn't and that makes Bush a wuss.

When I was in college, my friends and I would booze it up all the time. There's just not that much to do in Omaha, Nebraska. In fact, there are just three things to do: booze it up, get shit faced, or watch movies while getting boozed up or shit faced. I respect a man who can hold his liquor. Bush? He's a recovered alcoholic who crashed his car into a hedge after a drinking binge. That doesn't sound like a man who can hold his liquor. Plus, he gave up alcohol by becoming a born again Christian; that's weak. If you give up alcohol you're supposed to become a chain smoker, infinitely more badass than reading the Bible all day.

What's better than sex? According to Bush it's abstinence. Wow, that's even weaker than the born again Christian thing, and probably a lie seeing how his daughters are getting railed 90 different ways on Fridays and Saturdays. That doesn't seem like appropriate behavior for children raised by such a "devout", abstinence preaching, Christian. I reserve the right to make fun of the Bush daughters' sexual proclivities, because Chelsea Clinton was a lot younger and put up with a lot more than those two Paris and Nicole wannabes. Hey, Bush! Quit being a pushover and take control over your daughters' behavior. How can he run a country when he can't even run his own family?

After 9/11, the victims' families demanded an investigation; like reasonable people they wanted to know how something so terrible could happen. Bush denied the request initially, saying an independent investigation was unnecessary. He wanted to keep everything 'in house'. Translation: "I made a mistake. If there's an independent investigation, people may find out how badly I did my job." First of all, own up to your mistakes, Sally. Second, after a bit, Bush caved in and allowed the independent investigation - who's a flip-flopper?

When called in front of the 9/11 commission, did Bush go in by himself, like a President ready to face the consequences of his actions, like a man? Nope. He brought Dick Cheney, his B.F.F. and the true criminal mastermind behind the entire administration. Together Dick, with Bush cradled in his lap, answered the panel's questions. All their answers were lies, but that's all they know. They saved their own skins, and at the same time stymied the 9/11 investigation, proving that when Bush and Dick come together, things get messy.

Thanks to the diabolical Republican spin machine, an honorable man like John Kerry has had his name get dragged through the mud. Not just any mud, but mud loaded with gravel, broken glass, and a little bit of pee.

"John Kerry lied about his medals," the Republicans say, "He's a flip-flopper. He won't be tough on terror like George Bush. Kerry can't handle this war." Bush isn't tough. He dodged the draft, making him a coward. He's a recovered alcoholic; I hear the words "recovered alcoholic" and think, "ticking time bomb of alcoholism," a man with a proven addiction is not the person to handle the incredibly stressful job of President. He can't control his whorish daughters, suggesting he was a wishy-washy father and neglected to instill any family values during his lackluster career as a parent. The President is the mouthpiece of America, and should be able to answer questions on his own. Bringing Cheney to the 9/11 hearings was a terrible move; it invokes images of a leader who can't defend his own policies - a weakling. Given all those things - there are more, but I don't have the time to list them - it's evident as surely as John Kerry should be our next President that Bush is just another word for pussy.

--
David DeMarco


See other articles by David DeMarco.

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