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Issue
#4:
Even Roosevelt Could Stand by Himself.
The Presidential election is just eight days away, and the question on most
Americans' minds is, "Who's going to win The Apprentice?" While 90% of the country wonders who, out of the jerks, will get to kiss Donald
Trump's ass, the remaining 10% – what I like to call 'the thinking
percent' – wonders, "Who will do a better job handling both the war in Iraq and the Presidency: Bush or
Kerry?" I have no idea who Donald Trump will chose to run one of his sham companies – my money is on Kelly, a guy – but I can tell you absolutely that Kerry will do a better job as our
President. Flatly put, Bush is a wimp and there's no way a wimp like Bush can finish out this war or continue being President.
Unlike Republicans who accuse John Kerry of flip-flopping and lying about his service record, I offer real evidence regarding
Bush's wimposity. Let's set the Way-Back Machine to the late 60's. The Vietnam War rages, underprivileged young men head off to die, and a young George W. Bush practically wets his pants with fear –
let's not kid ourselves, he did wet his pants – at the prospect of being shot by a non-white person. Crying, he runs straight to daddy, George Bush Senior, who immediately dries his frightened
child's eyes with a pre-approved application to the Texas Air National Guard, where Bush spent the next five years presumably protecting America from a daring Vietcong sneak attack through the Gulf of Mexico.
I'm not going to get into whether Bush skipped out on his service – he did – or whether Kerry lied to get his medals – he
didn't. The one fact I know for sure: Kerry was in the shit, Bush
wasn't and that makes Bush a wuss.
When I was in college, my friends and I would booze it up all the time.
There's just not that much to do in Omaha, Nebraska. In fact, there are just three things to do: booze it up, get shit faced, or watch movies while getting boozed up or shit faced. I respect a man who can hold his liquor. Bush?
He's a recovered alcoholic who crashed his car into a hedge after a drinking binge. That
doesn't sound like a man who can hold his liquor. Plus, he gave up alcohol by becoming a born again Christian;
that's weak. If you give up alcohol you're supposed to become a chain smoker, infinitely more badass than reading the Bible all day.
What's better than sex? According to Bush it's abstinence. Wow,
that's even weaker than the born again Christian thing, and probably a lie seeing how his daughters are getting railed 90 different ways on Fridays and Saturdays. That
doesn't seem like appropriate behavior for children raised by such a
"devout", abstinence preaching, Christian. I reserve the right to make fun of the Bush daughters' sexual proclivities, because Chelsea Clinton was a lot younger and put up with a lot more than those two Paris and Nicole wannabes. Hey, Bush! Quit being a pushover and take control over your
daughters' behavior. How can he run a country when he can't even run his own family?
After 9/11, the victims' families demanded an investigation; like reasonable people they wanted to know how something so terrible could happen. Bush denied the request initially, saying an independent investigation was unnecessary. He wanted to keep everything
'in house'. Translation: "I made a mistake. If there's an independent investigation, people may find out how badly I did my
job." First of all, own up to your mistakes, Sally. Second, after a bit, Bush caved in and allowed the independent investigation –
who's a flip-flopper?
When called in front of the 9/11 commission, did Bush go in by himself, like a President ready to face the consequences of his actions, like a man? Nope. He brought Dick Cheney, his B.F.F. and the true criminal mastermind behind the entire administration. Together Dick, with Bush cradled in his lap, answered the
panel's questions. All their answers were lies, but that's all they know. They saved their own skins, and at the same time stymied the 9/11 investigation, proving that when Bush and Dick come together, things get messy.
Thanks to the diabolical Republican spin machine, an honorable man like John Kerry has had his name get dragged through the mud. Not just any mud, but mud loaded with gravel, broken glass, and a little bit of pee.
"John Kerry lied about his medals," the Republicans say, "He's a flip-flopper. He
won't be tough on terror like George Bush. Kerry can't handle this
war." Bush isn't tough. He dodged the draft, making him a coward.
He's a recovered alcoholic; I hear the words "recovered alcoholic" and think,
"ticking time bomb of alcoholism," a man with a proven addiction is not the person to handle the incredibly stressful job of President. He
can't control his whorish daughters, suggesting he was a wishy-washy father and neglected to instill any family values during his lackluster career as a parent. The President is the mouthpiece of America, and should be able to answer questions on his own. Bringing Cheney to the 9/11 hearings was a terrible move; it invokes images of a leader who
can't defend his own policies – a weakling. Given all those things – there are more, but I
don't have the time to list them – it's evident as surely as John Kerry should be our next President that Bush is just another word for pussy.
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David DeMarco is a regular columnist
writing from Omaha, Nebraska, which is also home to the Omaha Beef
indoor football team.
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